About more than 80% of women in Pakistan face harassment every day that includes physical, verbal and sexual harassment whether it’s at a workplace or at a public place or at home. Yet, this reality has been ignored and rejected for long. However, the recent worldwide campaign of “Me Too” has provided a renewed energy to this issue and sparked a more vigorous debate on it. The effect of “Me Too” seems to have impacted Pakistan as well as we see that victims are fearlessly opening up about their sufferings through different platforms with social media in the lead. But, as expected, the response to it is extremely discouraging and unhealthy.
In the recent years, the subject of harassment has witnessed a strange transition. It has crawled out of “taboo” zone and landed in “where is the proof of harassment” zone and while it’s relieving that the shame attached to it has dispelled considerably, sadly, the victim-blaming has just worsened. In the latest trend of victim-blaming, the blame comes in two ways. One: Where is the proof of harassment? Two: The physical appearance of the victim. If a woman has no proof of harassment, she is declared a liar and an attention seeker. If a woman is not pretty, she is just being vengeful and frustrated because no man likes to harass a ‘not-so-pretty’ woman.
While coming across a lot of stories, I was reminded of my own experiences of harassment which I never talked about because just like other girls I was told to hush up. The first time I faced (sexual) harassment was in the street by a stranger. I don’t remember my age. All I remember is that I was quite young, too young to anticipate a bad touch but old enough to feel and understand it. One afternoon, a tall dark man with a small beard came with a medium-scale (moveable) Ferris Wheel to give rides to the kids playing in the street. Among those children, one child was me. We took money from our parents and gathered around the wheel and waited for the ride. Half of the kids were made seated by him and it was my turn now. While lifting me up, the man carefully, purposefully and firmly placed both his hands on my maturing bosoms and grabbed them fully. I still remember his face, I still remember that touch and I still remember that feeling. It’s all still fresh. Now if someone would ask me, I have no proof of it.
The latest incident of harassment I faced was at the workplace. It entailed months-long constant and deliberate staring by a colleague. I tried everything. Staring back. Ignoring. I even tried becoming immune to the suffocation I was subjected to. But nothing worked. I thought and resolved many times to go up to him and confront him but failed. I feared him creating a scene. l feared he might behave inappropriately and accuse back of something atrocious to hide his own guilt. Above all, I had no evidence of it. One day, l was sitting in my room and the same episode (of him staring at me) was repeated. There was this sudden surge of anger in me like never before and I realized that the threshold has been reached. I stood up and resolved to do what I had been postponing for so long. So, I went to his room and asked him why does he stare at me all day? The answer left me in a shock: “It must be your misconception, there is no reality to it”. He not only shamelessly and stubbornly refused to own his wrong behaviour but, also repeatedly told me that it’s all my misconception. Now if someone would ask me, I have no proof of it.
Ever since women are born, for as long as their memory can recall, harassment is an integral and inseparable part of their lives. Since childhood, they have been putting up with harassment of all forms. Women don’t know of the world that is devoid of this evil. It would be a rarity to find a woman who will not have a story of harassment to tell and yet this obvious truth is dismissed so conveniently. The real tragedy is that for a large part of their lives women weren’t even aware of the term harassment and they accepted it as a normal and routine part of their lives because they were told that’s how men are, that’s what they do, it is all normal, they shouldn’t confront them and they shouldn’t talk about it.
In a society that bears a rich history of victim-blaming and where an accusing finger of a man always finds a woman, it is an act of sheer courage for a woman to speak up of harassment. No woman talks about harassment with joy especially knowing the consequences. No women bring it all upon herself and happily receive all the filth thrown her way. She knows that she will be abused, slut-shamed, the legitimacy of her revelations will be interrogated, her personal life will be mercilessly scrutinized, her credibility and integrity will be impugned, her looks will be mocked for she is not beautiful enough to attract a man – let alone harassment – and her character will be attacked. There is nothing for her to gain from it, in fact, she has a lot to lose. Yet, she chooses to speak up, but her claims are dismissed right there and right then because she has no proof and her looks don’t qualify for harassment. This tradition and approach of victim-blaming is also the biggest impediment in the implementation of laws related to harassment and makes it difficult for women to get justice both from the courts and workplaces.
When all the abuse is done, an argument is made that sometimes women misuse the term of harassment by levelling the false accusations. It must be true. There must be instances where women would have misused the term for any personal or political gain which is indefensible and condemnable because harassment is an extremely sensitive and serious issue and any kind of exploitation of the term harassment impairs the entire cause, weakens the power of victims over their harassers and strengthens the tradition of victim-blaming. But we must understand that there is a difference between “exploitation of a term” and “a norm, a tradition, a mindset, a behaviour, a habit, a practice, a reality”.
This evil of harassment and all the senseless and sickening reaction towards a grave issue have an origin. The roots of harassment, in fact, any kind of discrimination and violence against women lie in an ingrained belief of men that they have a right over women; their bodies, their emotions, their privacy and their lives; that they can encroach upon women in any manner they desire and for that they neither need any permission nor they owe them an apology if they are called out. Instead, if their right is denied, a woman deserves the abuse and slut-shaming; and worse, being burnt alive or shot down for not obeying and refusing to accept a small thing like a marriage proposal. This rottenness is a product of the forever-existing misogyny and patriarchal system where men are brought up with the sense of superiority and sense of entitlement fed into their minds from childhood.
Silence is the first barrier to be crossed for any kind of change to take place. It will take time to detoxify the society filled with centuries-old decay and for a whole generation to unlearn the wrong so carefully taught to them but there is a hope now as women have begun to break the shackles of silence.
There is a unity now that there will be zero tolerance towards any form of harassment and misogyny. There is a unanimous scream now that no, there is no proof, not every time, not when they are ogled in the markets and parks, groped in the buses, pawed in the streets and passed lewd remarks at in public; and no, their looks, their clothes and their exterior don’t make harassment legal because there is no justification and no criteria for harassment. There is a hope now that this scream will be heard, if not today, one day, someday. There is also a resolve among women now that no amount of abuse and ridicule can bow them down from standing up to any kind of unapproved and inappropriate encroachment upon their comfort, their bodies and their lives because their bodies have a right to be safe, to feel safe and they must take a stand whenever a man tries to have the liberty of imposing his ownership on them in a physical or non-physical way. Women have understood that silence will only encourage the predators to further their behaviour and acts. Women have learnt that they are answerable to their bodies and silence is not the answer that their bodies will like to hear.
While women are battling this menace, let’s hope that men will accept the existence of this evil and accept harassment as a reality before their own daughters become victims of it.
Sheema Mehkar
September 14, 2018.
P.S. Published in Daily Times [September 16, 2018]
https://dailytimes.com.pk/298522/the-evil-of-harassment-and-our-collective-denial/
(Poster by author).
a corner of my Heart...! 